I’m starting this very first post at 9:32 PM on August 4, 2024, the night before I am set to leave for Esquipulas, Guatemala for one year, working with the Saint John’s Abbey Benedictine Volunteer Corps (BVC). Of course, for a pre-departure post this is very much being done in the eleventh hour. However, the up-against-the-clock nature of this writing gives me the ability to reflect on what my life has been like since Graduation from Saint John’s in May and how I might approach the next twelve months.
Within the last few weeks before departure, I’ve found myself returning to one specific thought more than any other. It usually goes something along the lines of “ah shit, I never got to do _____!” Whether this be learning how to drive a manual transmission with my Uncle’s pizza planet themed truck (yes this is real), going to visit my other Uncle’s new house, reaching out to old teachers and friends from high school, or even taking the time to go through some old stuff in my closet that I wanted to play with, it seems that this summer was filled with missed opportunities. Of course, the logical follow up question is, “why did I never do those things?”
The answer is, unsurprisingly, multifaceted, as I may have prioritized one activity over another, or the person/place I wanted to visit was unavailable. But, despite this one thing seems to tie all the unfinished business of this summer together: When I thought of the thing I wanted to do or person I wanted to visit, I delayed taking any action. I said to myself “oh maybe I’ll reach out to them tomorrow” or “if I can do X, maybe I can do Y”. It is clear to me now, as it is clear to me while I am writing this post in my basement before a night of restless sleep, that delaying action, 9 times out of 10, resulted in inaction. While I won’t waste time regretting the way I spent my summer and pondering all the things I didn’t do, this certainly begs the question, “how can I learn from these feelings to improve my experience with the BVC?”
One of the reasons I joined this program in the first place was because of the sense of rugged independence that I got from the men who had completed their year of service. For the most part, I was told that the work undertaken by the volunteers is done of their own volition, and that the expectation was that this program would give me very little instruction as to how I would spend my time at my site. Instead, the goal was that volunteers would take time to live in their sites and observe, seeing a need so that hopefully they might fill that need. As I look back on a summer filled with a mix of memorable experiences and missed opportunities, I can’t help but see that If I am going to effectively serve the community where I will be living, I’m going to need to change my habits when it comes to taking action. When I see a need in the community that I could potentially fill, I must make it my priority to take action and fill that need; to not delay, or step back, but rather to step IN, and take an active role in helping where I can.
Dostoyevsky said “Work tirelessly. If, as you are going to sleep at night (and) you remember: ‘I did not do what I ought to have done,’ arise at once and do it.” I hope to take this maxim to heart in the coming months. It will be my goal during my time in Esquipulas to never go to bed wondering what might have been done with my days. While it may seem from the way I am writing here that I regret and bemoan my inaction towards certain things in the last few weeks, I am not as somber as my words imply. If anything, these feelings motivate me to be better; to make sure that my time in Guatemala is not wasted, and that I am sharing the gifts that I am capable of with the community who is so graciously hosting me. After all, how can I expect to learn anything unless I am pushing myself outside of my comfort zone whenever I can?
Of course, I will likely know nothing other than discomfort during my first few weeks as I settle into a new environment, a new culture, and a language that still has much to teach me. However, if after a few weeks I find myself feeling more settled in, and a bit too idle, I can return to these words here and remember why I am taking this year away from everything I know and love. I am doing this because it will teach me how to be of service to others, how to take action where action is needed, how to uplift those in need of support, and how to exchange the gifts that we all possess. I am doing this because it will open my mind and soul to new experiences, new people, and new ways of being, and because I am willing to be changed by this newness. I look forward to reminding myself of this and remembering my little place in this wonderful world.
Lastly, I’d like to take a few lines to thank all those who have supported me in getting this far. From encouraging me to join this program in the first place, to helping me organize my life before I leave, and especially those who have reminded me just how much love I have supporting me back home and beyond (you know who you are!) I hope I can make all of you proud, and I thank you infinitely for being a part of my life. While I’m still very much in denial about the fact that a few short hours from now I will be leaving this country for 12 months, I feel like I am leaving with optimism and with hope. I look forward to the road ahead, and I hope that these little scribblings can make you feel like you are on this journey with me. Until next time, peace!
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday
-Kahlil Gibran